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The story 477 days later

And it's in moments like these when I realize -at least to some extent- how this whole scenario has changed me. I've been trying to look at the brightest spots in this dark void I seem to be sucked into. The void I've been living in for the past 16 months. The 7 stages of grief played backwards; starting with hope and ending with grief. That's a simpler way to describe how it feels to live a life full of deaths. I would be lying if I said I could define myself now. I have never not known myself. I have never been such a stranger to my existence. I can no longer bear thinking of the present, let alone the future. 

When you indulge yourself in the reality of this world it's hard to think 10 steps forward; when you see people who can't make it through the day and others who can't pay their medical bill which is basically a fraud. But the glitch in indulging yourself in all the bad news is that at some point you give in. You lose all what remains of you. I no longer feel present. Yes, that's what it is I no longer feel present.  Fading. Fading the same way ink spilled into the ocean would. Disintegrated like the shafts of sunlight.


 I have never been a fan of revisiting the past but that's all I've been doing lately. It's almost like I am subconsciously trying to linger on a bit longer to my old seemingly "normal" life. It has turned into a lifestyle of just trying to live each day as it comes not planing over a week ahead. The far future is no longer one to put much concern into. I am worn out of pleads to end this coalition. I am genuinely losing hope, not that my life will end, I seem absolutely definite that I am not dying any time soon. Rather I am weary from being so uncertain. So disheveled. Devils with depictions of white halos and angels with red horns rupturing their skulls, that's all there is to it. 

Comments

  1. MikeJuly 17, 2016 at 9:22 AM

    They say all good art comes from pain. This excellent essay is an example of that. There's some really good writing here - the 7 stages of grief played backwards is a brilliant thought. I hope peace comes to your country soon.

    ReplyDelete

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